all kenny wants for christmas.

1. To kiss Tim Tebow. Do I find him superhumanly attractive? Not really, but I would love to enrage every conservative Christian girl in America.

2. John Hamm.

3. A male seahorse in an aquatic tank.

4. Sushi delivered to my door, everyday, for the rest of my life. (Not at all related to #3)

5. Tickets to see Jay-Z and Kanye. I will watch that throne.

6. An attractive male to pump my gas for me, for life.

7. A big ole’ cat, only to torture a particular friend of mine.

8. A ticket to Neverland Ranch, including airfare and an automated tour.

9. A face tattoo. I’m thinking a star of some sort, but I’m open to suggestions.

10. To be blonde for the day, ONE DAY, just to see how frightening I look and naturally, to see if they really do have more fun.

11. To be inside a fabulous Grey Goose commercial. Come on! They look like they’re having so much fun!

12. John Hamm.

13. To lunch with Zooey Deschanel, my (female) bangs twin.

14. To meet the guy who blogs under the twitter alias, Men’s Humor. It is highly possible that we are in fact soul mates.

15. To host SNL. Musical guest? HANSON. John Hamm would obviously be in every sketch. He’s funny, right? Santa, make it happen.

16. Access to Perez Hilton’s blackberry. I would get Chace Crawford’s number in 2.5.

17. To run into either member of the Black Keys around town. Dibs on Beardy.

18. Dinner with the Obamas. I, of course, would sit at the kids table with Malia and Sasha.

19. To speak at the Freed Hardeman Benefit Dinner. Um, they had Cal Ripken Jr. so I think I have a pretty good shot.

20. To retire. Next year.

Wishing you and your’s a very Merry Christmakkuh,

tis the season!

Well sugarplums, the holidays are upon us. All of us are excited for the fat guy in the red suit to bring lots of goodies, because naturally, we have been very good this year and deserve that one month of unlimited Pure Barre classes. Tis the season to have some time away from the job and to spend how we choose, right? So what are we to do with your holiday-induced free time? One can only spend so much time opening presents and watching that It’s A Wonderful Life marathon with the family.
Here are my suggestions for how to spend some of your holiday break, none of which require an ugly Christmas sweater…
1. Make Christmas cookies. They’re easy to make with minimal clean-up and they really impress when edible. Oh, and you can decorate them with icing and sprinkles, if you’re into dyes and processed sugars.

2. Watch Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and quote the film in its entirety. Don’t be scared. Christmas is a time of perpetual joy – say that to those friends/lame family members that accost you for perfectly reciting your favorite Kevin McCallister lines. “Suck brick, kid!”

3. Go shopping. Whether it’s fighting the dementors to get that last minute gift for so and so or taking back that awful pajama set in an attempt to exchange for something you actually like, get out there. It’s the only American way to be one with the yuletide.

4. Listen to your favorite (non-Christmas) vinyls at a high volume while singing along to every word. Trust me, this is just as awesome as it sounds. Christmas came early for me when I got both Jenny Lewis and The Civil Wars to add to my growing vinyl collection, so yes, I am full of joy and good cheer.

5. Eat ice cream for dinner. You know you are in the prime of life when you do this.

6. READ. You know, something other than a boring work email or the nutrition facts on your microwavable lunch. Pick up that book that you’ve been too busy with life and other drugs to read and get started. Holiday break is the perfect time to read something funny, i.e. Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? since you will undoubtedly need a little pick-me-up after hours of quality family time and seeing pretty much everyone you went to high school with at the local Wal-Mart. Christmakkuh is also the best time to read something a little more heavy, cue Joe by Larry Brown, which is what I will be reading. If it all gets a little too messy in your head you can always turn on that cheesy Hallmark Christmas movie and take those engines back to neutral.

7. Do something completely selfless for someone you’ve never met. You know, pay it forward. Need ideas? Buy a Contributor from one of the vendors around Nashville and buy one for five of your closest friends, too. Take cookies, see also #3, to that neighbor you have never actually met. Surprise the person in line behind you at whatever coffee shop and buy their latte for them. If you can’t be nice at Christmas, you don’t have a soul.

8. Spend an entire 24 hours doing things that YOU want to do. Want to stay in your pajamas all day and watch 3o Rock reruns while eating sugar cookies in the shape of snowmen? Do it. Merry Christmas.

9. Spend time with the people you love. Make plans, move plans around – do whatever you need to do to spend quality time with the people you care about. And as for that certain someone who gives you butterflies and sets your hair on fire? Be sure to tell them how much they mean to you. Don’t be shy. Blame it on Christmas.

10. Take a nap.

these guys.

Ok, so I’ve woken up with this song in my head for the past two, ok three weeks. With old-school cool lyrics and a steady beat, how could you not love the first single off the Black Keys’ latest and greatest, El Camino? The video, featuring an aspiring actor who should seriously consider sticking to dancing, only makes it all the more awesome. Auerbach wails “I’ve got a love that keeps me waiting” while Carney pounds it out on the drums, perfectly telling the tale of a twisted love affair…always an excellent premise for a hit song, if you ask me.

Oh, and I hear that the Keys we love so much are filming a video in town this weekend for one of my other favorites off the new album, “Gold on the Ceiling.” Needless to say, I’m very excited about all this new music! Make your Christmas extra merry and go buy the album. After you watch this video 2-3 times, of course.

Mazel tov!

this too shall pass, right?

Once upon a time there was a fair-haired girl who fell in love with an (emotionally) available guy with perfect hair and they lived happily ever after. Nope, that wasn’t me, but it sounds nice, right? No no, I, like many others, in times recent have happened upon the road more often traveled…girl falls in something resembling love with the guy with perfect hair at the wrong time and under heavy circumstances. I blame my blind optimism…don’t you?

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve all been there at one time or another. He broke your heart, she left you for some other dope. He couldn’t see himself marrying her, she couldn’t trust him. So what do you do when it’s done? How do you get happy despite the crickets between the two of you? Well, take 24-48 hours, cry if you’d like, get the favorite food of your choice and indulge. Let yourself go. Then, get up and focus. Now I am by no means an expert, but I am a quick study and always appreciate a good list. So here are some “DO’s” and “DON’Ts” of the humble beginnings of moving past that relationship.

DON’T listen to sad/sentimental music. For me, this includes, but is not limited to, the following: The Avett Brothers, Trampled by Turtles, Adele (in my opinion, no one should be listening to Adele unless actively taking Zoloft), or the first half of the White Stripes’ Under Great White Northern Lights. Also, by no means should you listen to Mumford & Sons, unless you want a good cry, then by all means, skip the mascara and put “white blank page” on repeat.

DO keep busy, preferably with activities of a positive nature that do not lead to drunk texting. Keep busy, whether that means cleaning, cooking, baking, being nice, spending loads of money on stuff you don’t need, writing a letter, writing a blog or becoming your very own Taylor Swift.

DON’T be an emotional cutter. You know what I’m talking about. Reading old texts. Looking at pictures of the two of you when you were laughing hysterically about something that was way funny at the time. Checking up on him or her via social media, agonizing over meaningless/ridiculous check-ins and retweets. Side note: Please spare us your thinly veiled posts because trust me, errrbody knows what and who you’re talking about when you write those “emotional” phrases. #absurdDON’T get a haircut. I cannot tell you how many girls (and guys) I have seen make this tragic mistake. Go into the salon whilst stressed over a relationship and you’ll most likely leave looking like Nick Nolte.

DO sleep. If you can’t, take something. Melatonin is a favorite in my circle. Bloodshot eyes are not flattering and only cause friends and co-workers to stare at you awkwardly and then ask questions like “Rough night?” or “Feeling okay there, Champ?” If you do find yourself in that position, don’t roll your eyes and yell profanities at them like you may want to…just smile and drink your coffee.

DON’T eat (a lot of) bad food. You may be heartbroken but eating that #5 with cheese and large fries at 1 am will only hurt your heart and hurl you in the running for the next season of “The Biggest Loser.” Love the show, don’t want to be the show. Eat good food and treat yourself to chocolate. And wine. Those two, in moderation, tend to help everything.
DON’T underestimate the power of your friends. You best keep the people that love you the most closest to you, not just for your benefit, but for them, too! They need to be able to get out their rants of that relationship, because chances are, they have them and need to get it out just as much as you. Go out, stay in, go somewhere new or go to that one place with that thing you like, again. Friends make you laugh and remind you that you are in fact pretty awesome.

DO treat yo’self. Go shopping. See a movie. Get your nails did. Finally cash in on that massage you got last birthday. Watch the game with your pants off. Call in sick and just do nothing.

And now, I leave you with some wise words from Mimi, my grandmother who thought she knew everything…and she probably did.

“This too shall pass, and at least you’re pretty!”

An Open Letter to All "Twilight" Fans.

Dear Twihards, or whatever it is you like to be called,

We get it. You’re obsessed with the whole vampire thing. After years of fake tanning using your allowance money you have now embraced being pale, since Bella’s pale and well, she is now a Cullen. You think Edward is sexy although in your dreams you end up hooking up with Jacob EVERY time, and it is way better than anything Stephanie (Meyer) ever published.

This may come as a surprise, hell, I surprised myself, but I actually didn’t hate the first book too much and only half-hated the movie. Sure, it was like reading an above-average 5th grader’s narrative essay, and I may or may not have read it on the beach whilst under the influence, but HEY! I read it. Back off already. Don’t send the Volturi after me! (See how I made a small joke there?) So, as it were, I found myself conveniently skipping the other installments in the saga – winning! While I did not dress up in a ridiculous “Team Dope” shirt and stand in line with my gummy bears and popcorn only to run into the theater to get just the perfect seat for the midnight premiere, I DID keep my sarcastically awesome remarks to myself as I nicely walked into whatever movie I was seeing.

I did, however, accompany a closet Twihard, who will remain nameless for legal and social reasons, to see the latest in the “Twilight” saga last week. I felt like I had already seen all there was to see, thank you previews and The Soup, but WOW, it was way worse than I even imagined. Twihards, I beg of you, check yourself before you wreck yourself, if you will. Between the awkward vampire wedding and a honeymoon that lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s last marriage, it was a flop of pathetic proportions. Best line from the honeymoon was when Bella asked Edward, “you aren’t going to touch me again, are you?” This is what we’re teaching our youth and middle-aged housewives? OY. Hands down favorite moment? When the pale faces (Cullens) gave Bella a big ole’ glass of blood to drink, you know, to satisfy the vampire growing inside her. Here Bella, drink this cup of O negative while the rest of us toss our peanut M&Ms.

Puuulease, Twihards, Team Edwards and Team Jacobs, recognize! The thrill is gone. The story has run its course, and then some. There are better movies to sleep through. There is much good literature to be read (please see me for a detailed list). Let’s move on to obsessing over more interesting and relevant items, i.e. Herman Cain’s sex allegations and clever autobiography, why Prince William didn’t marry Mary Kate & Ashley (per Kanye), and world peace.