Dear B: Family + Holiday = Death?

Dearest B,
I was way excited to go home and spend some quality time with my family over the Thanksgiving holiday but then it was a complete disaster. First of all they kept talking to me. THEN my mom asked if I was going to put on pants when I walked out in my thickest Lulu black tights, staring at me and soliloquying on about being ladylike while I changed into something way more boring. Also, why does it matter if I prefer soy in my coffee? I’m not a damn hippie I just like it. And why can’t they just accept the fact that I don’t want to marry “that sweet boy who used to go to school with me?” Please tell me what to do because I can’t not go home for Christmas – I’m not an animal. 
Send help,
Dear Kevin McCallister,
Wow, you are exhausting. Cleansing breath on three. 1…2 Alright, so you should probably go ahead and accept the fact that every family is exceptionally dysfunctional over the holidays. I mean, have you seen Christmas Vacation? HELLO. When it comes to family and yuletide times, it’s all about BOUNDARIES  Without them everyone is lost and well, miserable. I always make it clear which activities are fun and socially acceptable for all – movies are pretty safe – and which topics are always kosher – George W. Bush. I’m sorry that you’re clueless, but I’m feeling extra light today thanks to juicing, so here are my do’s and don’ts for the holiday season:
DO eat. You need your strength.
DON’T bring your boyfriend home with you unless he looks like a Kennedy.
DO talk about all of your volunteer work that you “enjoy.” 
DON’T talk about your chiropractor’s assistant that you’re thinking of reporting for sexual harassment. 
DO bake. Christmas cookies, cakes, bread…anything. Baking brings people together. 
DO wear what you want. You’re not 16 anymore. 
DO feel free to say “No thanks, I just ate,” when offered gluten or saturated fats at the dinner table.
DON’T forget that the holidays are a great time to drunkenly reconnect with that ex who you never really got over via text message or hushed phone call. Just don’t let any member of your family hear your conversation on the front porch. 

777, See You Never.

It’s no secret I’m a closeted Rihanna admirer, despite the fact that she is not so secretly still in love with the criminal cray himself, Chris Brown. So to promote her new album, Unapologetic, BadGirlRiRi embarked on a trip completely planned by DefJam staff in hopes of gaining some good PR….the 777 tour. 7 shows in 7 countries in yep, you guessed it, 7 days. Catchy, I’ll give her team that but HELLO, might want to make sure the main act is up for the challenge before putting 250 uber-fans and quote-hungry journalists on a private jet. It started sweet enough, Rihanna welcoming the lucky ones while wearing her “crunk shades” and pouring “presidential cognac” freely while while walking the aisles of the jet. 
Everyone was flying around Europe together with 70 bottles of champagne and top-notch amenities but not enough time to see much of the cities or fabulous hotels, and no sign of Rihanna herself. Turns out, fans and journalists only saw her onstage, performing the same set with the same chatter in between. Poor Peter Rosenthal from Rolling Stone likened the experience to Groundhog Day, siting lack of sleep and lack of much of anything from Rihanna. Thankfully everyone made it safely back to NYC just in time for Thanksgiving but no one is left feeling all warm and fuzzy. RiRi issued an apology today but I think it’s safe to say the damage is done. So what have we learned here? Don’t agree to a press junket world tour in a week’s time if you don’t want to do press, and always ask yourself, what would Jay-Z do?
p.s. Of course I’m still bitter I wasn’t there for any of the aforementioned shenanigans. Also, don’t eat carbs today, you’ll thank me tomorrow.

I Can’t.

In preparation of days set aside for gorging ourselves on complex sugars and carbohydrates, hiding from awkward family members and remembering what we’re thankful for, I would like to celebrate items I just can’t get on board with. 

Tay Tay Swift singing live
Justin Bieber and people caring about him in general
Work emails sent before 8 am
Channing Tatum 
***Hello, Sexiest Man Alive committee, you forgot Ryan Gosling? Obvs, your mistake
Ex-boyfriends who pose for family pictures with kids who aren’t his
The words crunk, adorbsicles and hardcore
Bitter Tennessee fans (I’ll miss Dooley’s pants, too)

Paperboy: Boring it’s not.

Since most of you don’t frequently slum it at the Belcourt and see such films, I will sum it up for you in a few miniature sentences. 
Trashtastic Southern Florida in ‘69
Insert racial tension and some redneck inbreeds 

Zac Efron with great hair
Matthew McCanaughey with exceptionally awful hair, oh and he’s gay

Macy Gray was a maid

Nicole Kidman wears a blonde wig and a serious push-up bra 
One black guy with a faux British accent
John Cusak plays a carny cray who Nicole writes to while in prison
Zac Efron lurvs Nicole Kidman
 Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron after an unfortunate jellyfish incident

Zac Efron swims in a swamp
John Cusak kills people
I can totally see why it was snubbed at Cannes but I don’t hate that I saw it. Props to Keith for being okay with his wife doing all of THAT. Go see it, or don’t. I may have had a nightmare or two last night. You’re welcome. 

Dear B: Should I CrossFit?

Dear B,
I’m a healthy 20-something female who is in pretty good shape, fitness wise. I mean I just ran a half-marathon and I juice for two meals a day! Just sayin’. I can always fit comfortably into my skinny jeans but I still feel fat. I keep hearing about CrossFit and how amazing the workouts are but do girls do CrossFit? I kinda want to try it but I’m a little leery since I do wear make-up and know my Tori Burch. I just want to get skinny and toned; not look like a man.
Dear Big Rich Texas,
Let’s get one thing straight; bulging muscles are not chic. Flab, however, is less chic. I, too have toyed with the idea of giving CrossFit a go, and while I am in no way against it as a means of exercise there are a few areas of concern which I have complied into the following list. You’re welcome. 
Lots of randoms in one gym that more closely resembles an abandoned warehouse 
WOD (forget pro-choice!)
Girls with bulging muscles
Slightly scary boy-men trying to prove their manliness 
Lots of strange noises coming from those lifting heavy items
Becoming one with your competitive side/finding your competitive side 
Being JLO circa 2002 in Enough “I could kill you” shape
Semi-attractive men who are in GREAT shape
So in conclusion, strong may be the new skinny but long and lean is always in. Might I suggest giving CF a go but also sticking with your weekly yoga practice or Pure Barre routine. 

A Chic White House.

This is me taking the time to acknowledge four more years of chic in the White House. Regardless of which man you voted for you have to admit the Obama ladies are both well-dressed and adorable. Michelle is always a picture of class wearing labels I can actually pronounce, and I love that she isn’t afraid to be photographed doing things other than sitting in the audience listening to her presidential husband. Oh, and she’s friends with Beyonce. Don’t pretend like that isn’t impressive. 
And all politics aside, this election was a win for tween fashion with Sasha and Malia. You know they have the best party favors at sleepovers.
P.S. Shout out to Brian Williams and the state of Colorado – the true winners in this election. 

Sundays with Nut Muffin.

This afternoon a rare thing happened – I went to the mall, completely of my own free will. I had a couple free hours and was in dire need of whatever the clinique bonus would provide so off to fight the green hills moms I went. So after hitting up nordstrom and chatting up the adorable and very pregnant Jesse Baylin I was walking out, my faith in department stores regained, when it happened – I heard the only ex-boyfriend who I never ever (ever) want to see ever call my (full) name and walk over to me. I was thrown off and all around freaked out that he was there, then, carrying a book that looked like a large text kjv Bible and looking to chat. 
He gave his best attempt at small talk while I stood there thinking how incredibly thankful I am to be far removed from all of that and how even his hair screams elegant mess. I would compare it to a bad rom-com but I’ve never seen one where boy lectures girl about some banned book he special ordered while girl laughs in her head because she knows that means he used Amazon…all while in the middle of the perfume counters. 
You call it an awkward encounter, I say it’s just another Sunday.