Merry Ex-Mas.

Ah, Christmas. The one holiday where it is totally acceptable to contact an ex since you can easily blame it on the spiked eggnog/cider/cocktail. Between Dec 1 and Jan 1 is prime time for rekindling old flames. Who has the energy to fix your hair and put on real clothes to impress a new one? And hey, if a celebrity supports such behavior then we the people can do so, too….right?

Katy Perry contacted her ex and he arrived in full Santa attire, hat included. Does this make it official? Who knows, who cares. Let’s just hope John sang Santa Baby in leui of that Wonderland “song.”

Happy holidays, everybody. Here’s to five more days of drinking Coke and eating complex carbohydrates.


Dear B: Naughty or Nice?

Dear B,
My frienenemy wants to know if she’ll get presents this year for Christmas or actual coal. I told her I wouldn’t tell anybody but since my therapist is already on vacay and you’re basically the Bible I feel okay getting your advice. She’s had two borderline-crazy boyfriends, an ex fiance and made out with a slightly famous country singer’s brother…all in the past year or so. Besides eating Krystal’s for lunch one day and wearing the same Patagonia on the daily she’s been pretty nice. Does that cover her naughty-ness of year’s past? Should I have her go ask a mall Santa just as a precaution? 
Dear Nanny o’ the Year,
First of all, you can tell your “friend” that she needs to CALM DOWN. We’ve all been a little naughty and Santa usually shows, aka no big deal! I would advise her to read something, anything really, to get educated and stop dating and/or mixing it up with the likes of those hot messes. I dare say would supply a better dating roster for her to choose from, but honestly if she keeps eating Krystal’s her not-dating will take care of itself. Sorry but I’m not sorry. 
Oh, and as if I have to tell you to tell her but I will:whatever you do don’t go sit on a mall Santa’s lap. Everyone knows the real Santa is way too busy this time of year to be sitting outside of a BCBG listening to you confess your sins of late just in time for him to pack up his sleigh. 
Also, since she sounds like the type to go to a party full of her old high school buddies and get completely toasted from one too many cups of spiked eggnog, tell her I said NO. 
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah,

get KIND.

My heart hurts too much to not say anything.
Our country is sad. President Obama not only fought back tears through two press conferences but quoted Scripture, more than once, while we all prayed for Newtown, CT. 
For the past two years I taught eighth grade, and I remember complaining through the many lock down drills, huffing and puffing since my kids would always go cray during any sort of drill. Some of my best friends were teachers, are teachers. My mom is a teacher. This senseless act of evil has made us rethink the ideal of what, and where, is safe. Parents and nannies everywhere are holding their babies tighter and playing princess and ninjas a little bit longer, regardless of runny noses or schedules. 
I’m ready for this country to get it together. Isn’t it time that we love? 
My girl Ann Curry has challenged the nation to do a random act of kindness for each life taken – 26 total. I’ve watched as hundreds of responses have poured in these past few days, stories of people helping people, showing kindness to someone they’ve never met. A man from Wyoming bought breakfast for a family sleeping in the parking lot and let a gift card for food to help the rest of the week. A mom from Georgia put $50 on a random family’s layaway at Wal-Mart. An 11 yr. old from DC made cookies for her teacher. I’ve challenged myself and I challenge you to get kind through random acts of kindness and compassion. Let’s get creative and get busy– it is Christmas, after all. 
And don’t lose heart; love is greater than this. Let’s get kind.

B’s Guide to Holiday Parties.

Ah, holiday season is here again: the time of perpetual joy and too many parties thrown to celebrate sugar sweats and an obese, albiet lovable, hologram with a white beard. Now I love Christmas, so much in fact that I have committed to an exhausting number of holiday get-togethers, and yes, my chiropractor is concerned. As you can see, getting social this time of year is not for the faint of heart, aka you need an action plan. Here are the Do’s and Don’ts I’ll be using to help get me through the next twelve days of holiday schoomozing and socializing. 
Do: Smokey eye, nude lip and hair that has been brushed.
Don’t: Glitter dresses, glitter belts, or anything in the sequin family…unless you just look awesome.
Do: Has showing a little leg ever been out of style? Show some leg; tights optional, heels preferred. 
Don’t: Drink eggnog. I don’t care if it’s the only beverage spiked at the lame-o church party you sadly agreed to attend with your aunt Judy. It’s gross and has the consistency of a Twinkie dipped in whole milk. 
Do: Make good on all the mistletoe and make-out with someone, anyone really, besides your second cousin who you pretend to not find attractive. A cousin is a cousin. 
Don’t: Eat only sweets. You want to feel jolly not look jolly. Diabetes is real, and everyone knows that Santa won’t bring you an iPad 5 if you’re fat. 
Do: Pretend to know a person’s name even if you haven’t seen them since high school and couldn’t remember their name if they bribed you with alcoholic candy canes. Smile and say, “Hello you!” Works every time. 
Don’t: Use ridiculous holiday-focused pick-up lines or conversation starters. These include: All I want for Christmas if you, Have you been a good girl/boy this year?, Care to jump on my sleigh?…and my favorite, I’m sure you’re on my naughty list.
Mazel tov,

Don’t choke on your gingerbread.

Happy Monday.
If you’re anything like me, and let’s hope you are, then you are running on fumes and caffeine today thanks to an over-booked social calendar where you are forced to use weekends for doing as many extracurriculars as possible. And let’s face it, between the holiday ornament exchanges and cookie swaps, most of us are just one yuletide soiree away from choking on our gingerbread men. For that reason, I will leave you some small bits of weekend wisdom in non-paragraph form…
Condoleezza Rice is Smart. 
One should never wear Toms + dress socks on a first date, nor should they reference a second, fifth or twentieth date. #nosir
It is completely acceptable to lie and say you have a long run at 6 am to get out of after-movie drinks with Mr. No-Go. 
People lose all sense of dignity and personal space while Christmas shopping.
Social cues are important, but not everybody has them. #neverforget
Lifetime Christmas movies all have some variation of the same plot line: 35-ish woman (usually divorced) has a killer job but an awful boyfriend BUT soon she meets a handsome, rich and completely normal man at a Christmas tree farm/mall who falls in love with her while showing her the true meaning of Christmas.
Sometimes I wish I was Jewish. 

Friday Prayers with B.

Well lovelies it’s almost the weekend. A time for seeing (or not) seeing friends, getting into some shenanigans and staying up too late because you CAN. So before we start the freedom countdown, let’s stop and think of those less fortunate with far more troubles. 
Today we pray for the following…
Lindsay Lohan, who is now literally selling the clothes off her back to pay for her taxes (low point)

Grace Coddington’s assistant (she desperately needs a nap) 
Hallmark Christmas movie actors
People who watch Hallmark Christmas movies (Me) 
Kate Middleton and the Unborn Royal (can you say PRESSURE?) 
People who put reindeer ears on their mini-vans 
Tennessee Fans…Good luck to you and Mr. Jones
Mall Santas

Amen, xoxo-B

Passing the Bar.

Saturday night I went for drinks with some of my favorite girls. A rarity in many cases since we’re usually too busy being with boring people or out of town; neither an excuse but both valid cases. We found a table in the middle of it all and started gushing about recent love affairs, how to avoid a stage five clinger in a wheelchair and well, everything we were ahem, blessed to be witnessing. Classy girls don’t kiss in bars but apparently they do buy a table of inattentive guys a round while traipsing around in ripped tights. Here’s the good and bad of what to do, and more importantly not do, while out at a hip establishment on a Saturday night.
Never buy a man a drink

Never wear ripped clothing – tights are the worse! – unless you’re on Skins

Never wear snakeskin

Only get felt up if you’re in a tutu – if you’re wearing a tutu you’re asking for it

Never poll friends you don’t know

Do scale everything in conversation on a level of 1-Bon Jovi – you don’t want to set standards too high

No hoodies unless you just got off work at Lulu Lemon or your significant other is a Def Jam recording artist

Totally act bored if a guy with chest hair freely flowing from his too-deep V neck keeps talking 

Always let them come to you