You’re Not Jesus, Chris Brown.

I mean, let’s give Chris Brown some credit. At least he’s starting to fight men. 
But Frank Ocean, really? Whatever happened in that parking lot was so traumatic that it drove Mr. Brown to get religious. He instagrammed that he was trying to focus on his work, “not negativity,” before posting a drawing of Jesus on the cross with the caption: “Painting the way I feel today.” Ummm…not okay. In the words of fellow Instagrammer thrillho_ “you’re not Jesus, you’re a party clown.” 
So in light of these recent transgressions, I have put together a list for Rihanna’s publicist of potential CB replacements:
Frank Ocean
Bruno Mars
Lance Armstrong 
Bradley Cooper
That guy from the Lumineers
Bill Hader 
Adam Levine
Lebron
Zac Efron
xoxo-B

Dating scares me.

This is an actual Facebook message my fabulously put together and well educated friend received from a guy she went to high school with. Yes, she’s from a small town and no, she didn’t remember this young man in the slightest. 

Hey girl.. How are ya? How long has it been? What’s keeping you busy ? 
I enjoyed your profile picture. I can tell see you’ve tak’n go care of yourself. 
Maybe sometime we can get together. I’d like to taKe you out sometime. 
If your dating someone i need to apologize but if not I’m looking forward to hearing from ya. 
*******

Since receipt of this “love note” she has stayed away from all forms of social media and dating in general.  

I ask you, where have all the JFK Jr.’s gone?

XOXO,
B

Monday Prayers with B.

I don’t know what you did this weekend but amongst attending a wine-fueled winter bonfire and OCD-ly putting away everything that resembled Christmas at 903 I refocused my life. That’s right, I made some resolutions that more so resembled goals in list form. Every honest (breathing) person resolves to lose weight. Or quit ______. Or start ______. I think it’s fantastic, everybody becoming all productive and resolving to do such or such, but truth: vague goals are impossible to achieve.

So while I will not share with you all of my super specific thoughts, I will be ever so unconventional and show you some of the things I plan on steering clear of this year. Feel free to follow suit.

1. Cray Crays from 2012
2. Food dyes and refined sugars, oh and excessive amounts of gluten
3. People who post lots of “selfies”
4. Using the word “selfie”
5. Using any of the following excuses for not going to the gym:
      “It’s cold”
      “I’m hungry.”
      “I worked ALL day.”
      “I’ll go in the morning.” (Disclosure: I never go in the morning.)
6. Insecurities —— they’re unnecessary, people!
7. Guys who don’t have real jobs and think that’s OKAY
8. Jets after 10
9. Brentwood Chiropractic
10. Emotional robots that pose as real people

This prayer is for all of us who are resolving/planning/goal-ing to succeed in becoming better versions of ourselves this year. Let’s get to it.

xoxo – B