TEXTS I RECEIVED FROM MY MOTHER WHILE WATCHING THE OSCARS
*my mother does not drink
(after seeing Ben Affleck) He’s the toast of the town.
I like the host.
John Travolta scares me.
(on Life of Pi) I don’t think that movie came to Jackson.
They’re all lip synching.
(on Jennifer Hudson) I can’t understand a thing she’s screaming.
Is Adele pregnant?
That little girl nominated is so cute – she’s in a movie?
(I asked: What is Anne Hathaway wearing?) I don’t know – I think it’s supposed to be a dress. It’s modest, though.
Why couldn’t that Twilight girl have at least brushed her hair?
Barbara Streisand is amazing and I know talent.
Well now they’re all off to drink and sleep with each other’s wives.
Without further adieu, the list of topics I don’t care to discuss with you, especially before noon. Sorry but I’m not sorry.
how your thighs look in jeans
your baby’s illness and subsequent doctor’s visit that went wrong
your secret Pinterest board(s)
your ex with a very biblical name
the Christian Music industry
Sunday night I got my life together aka hit the gym, did laundry, cooked a meal and made a “budget.” Well, sort of. I’m too ADD/FUN to make one of those daily excel spreadsheet types that I’m sure Dave Frightening Ramsey no doubt endorses. I do, however, like to set goals for my superfluous spending in the coming months based on activities and social events I want to make sure I’m fully prepared to own.
So whilst watching Beyonce’s doc I made a running list of items and events worth saving my rubles for – here they are, in no particular order:
She & Him at the Ryman tickets
JT & Jay-Z tickets, wherever they decide to play I am there
Some sort of fancy workout for the month of April/May, i.e. Pure Barre, HotBox
Laser hair removal
Today, just a few hours before the Grammys, we come together to pray for Kanye, Kim, their unborn child, the entire country of Brazil and mankind in general.
Let this be a lesson to us all.
So it’s February. The month of LOVE. The month of Beyonce, apparently
. Ooh and the Grammys and then the Oscars. The shortest month of the year with the biggest heart. Yep, I went there. Why? Because I love all the cheesy odes to love. I appreciate that Americans buy pounds of the candy hearts that shouldn’t be edible. I love that first graders (and me) pick out just the perfect Hello Kitty valentine for their chosen besties.
I don’t get the 87% of you that trapse around all month like “blah blah blah, I’m cold and I hate couples” and/or “blah blah blah, I wish my boyfriend was hot” and so on and so on. First of all, no, I am not dating Ryan Gosling but at least I can sleep well knowing that he is not with a girl he’s with Eva Mendes. Don’t settle for a fool but do flirt, flash your best “let’s mix it up, maybe?” eyes and throw the (attractive, nerdy) guys a bone. Have some fun. Love is fun.
You’re tired of the winter drab? Move to the South. It’s currently sunny and 64 which I realize isn’t a heatwave but it’s far better than Minnesota. Also, don’t be afraid to let your wardrobe get a little gloomy, ie. Black on black on black is always chic, but do throw a little color in there when you feel so inclined. In case you’ve forgotten, other colors other than black include: teal, fuscia, white, green, gray and glitter.
If you’re still not feeling the love, go find your best friend and just hug the mess out of them. I can promise that they will either hug you back and you’ll both get all Hallmark or they’ll clam up and you’ll both get awkward and laugh for 10 minutes. Both options have awesome outcomes and you’ll be that much closer to a better relationship with your home fry and Cupid himself.
Love you all. Mean it.