Stage 5 Clingers, Ex-Gf’s of Relationships Past and the Business.

Last night I went to hear one of my favorite bands, J Roddy Walston and the Business – think gritty rock with excellent bed head and hello, GREAT name. I love love love everything about them and sing their praises often,  so naturally I rounded up my girls to their show last night. Yes, on a school night. We arrived an hour late and the opening act in flannel via Third Man Records had just started yelling through the mic. Cool. We assumed position towards the back and within five minutes I had a young man in a Fender Guitar shirt and some sort of wooden necklace asking if he could buy me a drink. Yes, this always happens to me.
Fender: “You let me know when that’s nothing but ice and we’ll fix you right up okay, Pretty?”
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
Fender: “I once saved a cat that was stuck in a tree.” (pauses for laughter, I think) “I’m trying to make a joke.”
Me: “Cats freak me out, but E for effort.”
Fender: “Do your friends want to see my guns?” (assumes somewhat of a Hercules pose, pushing out his chest and showing his arm “muscle”)
Me: “Wow, okay, this just got much weirder than I need for a Thursday.”
Stage 5 Clinger was a persistent one and had no concept of social cues, I.e. He shook Kenna’s hand and then told her it was sweaty (which is a fact but RUDE) and then proceeded to tell me he forgot my name (I never gave him my name, are you kidding?). So ten minutes or so later I did what every respectable girl does – “I have a boyfriend. Maybe you should go find another girl to chat up.” He walked away and we laughed as we moved up closer to the stage in preparation for our main men. 
This is where the story gets good. 
About five feet from us stood THE ex-gf, the one who has despised me for the past 2.5 years and basically burns a hole through my skin with her eyes every time we find ourselves in the same concert venue. I’ve moved on, PRAISE!, and I am happy to report I have no clue about either of their situations. I do know she was there and he was not. 
Anyways, we tried to keep a respectable distance but somehow ended up one handsy couple away. Suddenly, the most beautiful thing happened just as J Roddy slightly humped the piano bench wailing “Pigs & Pearls.” Stage 5 Clinger stands beside her, they strike up a very merry conversation, and hey, next thing you know they’re dancing and carrying on like a couple of kids who just met on eHarmony! 
It was truly a win-win for us all. 

Desperately Seeking Attention: Guys Who Love Checking In, Taking Selfies and Yes, Poking.

Charming personality, winning sense of humor, spontaneous, and attractive in a Jon Hamm way but doesn’t know it – these are my must-haves in a potential boyfriend. Not that I’m the Yoda of dating and modern relationships but I have dated the whole gamut in my 26 years, i.e. A preacher’s son, an atheist, Satan with an SEC haircut, the guy who sells Christmas trees at Home Depot and the guy with a trust fund who I affectionately refer to as Vacay Cam. What do all of these dopes have in common? They love to tell you all about every major and minor activity they’re apart of, pictures and ridiculous hash tags included. Lucky me, right? 

Here are some of the odd, unnecessary and sometimes down carny cray social media behaviors of guys everywhere that drive us crazy…and not in the warm and fuzzy I-want-to-jump-you way. Feel free to relate. 

Checking In Everywhere.
I don’t need to know when and where you eat every meal and who you take with you. Guys only check-in and tweet their exact location for one of two reasons: they want to impress a girl or they want to make a girl jealous. Both are bad. Guys, if you want to impress a girl try taking her out on a date and having conversation while making her laugh. Occasionally throw in a word or two about your career goals and/or your five-year plan and you’re golden. Note: Ambition is attractive. On the other hand, guys often broadcast where they are and who’s with them in a thinly-veiled attempt to make a current or ex lady-friend jealous or better, realize what a good time they’re having with someone else. Those guys are the worst.  

Taking Selfies.
In the car whilst “driving.” In line to get into “the most dope show EVER.” At the gym about to “hit it.” I’m sorry, but when did it become socially acceptable for a grown ass man to spend 3-5 minutes taking a picture of himself doing nothing spectacular at just the right angle then applying the best filter for his skin tone and mood? I have total respect for most men until I see the dreaded picture of them posing with their sunglasses on, attempting to look serious while doing what I can only compare to pouting and then adding a #bored, #workhardplayhard or my favorite, #you’rewelcome. Ladies, if a guy is taking a picture of himself his non-existent self-confidence is mixing with his narcissistic tendencies to create one tool bag of a man. Steer clear until he sees the error of his ways. 

Poking and Other Unacceptable Ways of Saying Hello.
True story: I still get “poked” 2-3 times a week by two different guys who feel like we’re on the friend level since we attended the same university eight years ago. Nice try. I don’t recall ever having a conversation with either of them of substance and needless to say I find the poking to be just as awkward as when it was first introduced and somewhat acceptable. Have I ever returned the sentiment? Never. Come on guys, social cues. Sure, we joke about guys not having a clue and sometimes needing to hear us spell it out, but they aren’t completely inept. No (normal) female sees such behavior and thinks, “Wow, he knows what’s up. I have to have him now.” 

My final piece of advice? Girls, since we run the world, feel free to be the beacon of truth to the guy or guys in your life. Preach the good message that to be seen like a man they shouldn’t post everyday like a needy girl or my bored mother who just discovered “The Twitter.” Instead, post with discretion and always with humor in mind when you feel like it. Then unplug. Besides, a little mystery goes a long way. 


Gwyneth Paltrow is My Spirit Animal?

To be fair, I was on the fence about Gwyn for years. Yes, she’s got the unattainable perfect blonde hair and porcelain gluten-free skin but is that enough? I specifically asked myself that very question after finally being allowed to watch Shakespeare in Love at the tender age of 14 when my mother gave in to my bribery. I had great taste in films even then! Okay, so as I watched the movie I realized the leading lady was a nice looking blonde who spoke too slowly, although I noted maybe Shakespeare was to blame for that last oddity.
Years later, aka LAST YEAR, I ended up randomly watching a lot of her films –including Country Strong, OY – and reading about her in my favorite magazines and online outlets where she was suddenly an expert on everything from skincare to eating clean. This counts as exhaustive research, so I’ve since worked through the fact that she named her kids after fruit and a major Biblical character, respectively, and grown to love her for who she is: an Oscar-winning Actress turned NYT Bestselling Author who is married to a Mr. Coldplay. As if that wasn’t enough, she has been deemed MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN BEYONCE. Let that sink in for a moment. 
So for all of you non-believers/haters, I present to you 8 reasons to adore Gwyn:
  1. She is 40 years old and looks like this.
  2. Her list of past-suitors sounds like the Oscar red carpet line-up: Brad Pitt (in his prime), Ben Affleck & Luke Wilson. 
  3. She’s married to Chris Martin and all signs point to a happy, healthy marriage. Say you don’t love Coldplay and I’ll say you’re a liar. 
  4. Leonardo DiCaprio inspired her to become a vegetarian. 
  5. Her favorite look? Jeans and a t-shirt with minimal make-up. (In love, yet?)
  6. “I feel my most beautiful when I am truly myself. Meaning, when I accept exactly where I am in time and space, and I’m not judging myself in any way, and I feel that I have the peace that comes with loving yourself and all of your flaws,” she told People.
  7. Her kids eat healthier on the daily than most adults I know but Gwyneth does let them eat Oreos and Cheetos. Hello, Mom of the Year.
  8. She and Chris go on double dates with Jay-Z and Beyonce on the regular, telling Harper’s Bazaar in a recent interview they have a lot in common: “We’re all calm, grounded people.” Word!  

All I’m Saying Is, Put Down Your iPhone. You Deserve a Real Date.

I grew up watching black and white romantic classics with my grandmother – think Roman Holiday and From Here to Eternity. While this did solidify my obsession with Audrey Hepburn and teach me the value of a perfectly tailored dress, it also left me with unbelievably high expectations of meeting someone new and subsequently, the first date. We should meet somewhere adorably unexpected – a coffee shop, on a business trip, at the park – then he would take charge and plan our night – picnic, dinner for two at a new place, hot air balloon ride because he knows a guy – where we will inevitably discover random common interests. 
The reality? Your friend from work/church/yoga knows a guy who is “perfect for you” because he’s “super funny”so she has him look you up on Facebook. There’s no candlelight, only the illumination from your iPhone as you read the short, vague message from Mr. Breezy. He asks for your number and you send it, under the pretense that he’ll call and there will be no more typing. He texts and asks you for coffee/drinks/to watch basketball at his place and you’re supposed to what…swoon?
It’s 2013. I get it. I love my Apple products just as much as the next twenty-something and you don’t even want to hear about the time I thought I had lost my iPhone to a carny cray’s water spill at Bonnaroo. Google, Facebook, Twitter and yes, Linked In, are excellent tools to make sure your prospective date isn’t married/a serial killer/repulsive, BUT you have to stop there. Investing too much time in analyzing someone’s online persona is guaranteed to mess with whatever might develop when you actually spend time with that person. You start to rule him out because of what, he wore a man tank in 2004? 
Whatever happened to sitting across from someone and hearing firsthand where they work, what music they’re into, where they went to college and where they ate amazing mexican last night! The eye gaze, the body language, the chemistry! I propose that we step away from the crutch that is social media and date the old-fashioned way called conversation. Besides, getting to know someone new and the anticipation you feel shoot out your fingers and toes is what it’s all about, right? 

Dear B: To Bareleg?

Dear B,

Since Easter’s over and we’re all springing into April, is it acceptable to lose the tights and go bare leg? My legs are super pale but I’m thinking it’s now or never, right? HELP.


Dear Barbara Walters,

With Easter came many a fashion tragedy, and while I tried to focus on the good book at Sunday service I found myself shivering at all the short dresses and bare legs. Why? Not because of the shining paleness or the bright colors – because there were plenty of Easter eggs out there – but because it was less than 60 degrees and everybody had visible goosebumps.

As for me and my limbs, I choose to go bareleg once it’s warm enough out that I will remain happy and goosebump-free. Have a cute dress that’s akin to the Grace Potter mini? Keep it safely in your closet until the warmer weather arrives. Don’t waste a good outfit on the cold and cloudy.

And if all else fails, ask yourself if Connie Britton (‘s hair) would wear that. Works every time.