Bonnaroo 2013: Seen & Heard

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What drugs has she taken?

We did that at my bar mitzvah!

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I met my boyfriend at Bonnaroo last year.

Who is Jack Johnson?

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Why would Creed be here?

I don’t even like kids and I know that’s wrong.

Paul McCartney, be my boyfriend.

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In the cage with Nick Cage!

I took ALL the drugs this weekend.

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Oh, Channing Tatum.

You’ve never seen The Office? Don’t you work in a cubicle?

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I mean come on, of course I want you to tell me if I have something stuck in my teeth since I’m walking around in front of 50,000 people.

There are a whole lot of smells going on here!

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He is for sure on bath salts.

Happy Father’s Day!

I’m way younger than my actual age – spiritually.

XOXO,

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Dear B: Is Bonnaroo Chic?

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Dear B,

 I’ve never ever been to Bonnaroo but this year I’m taking the plunge. I get there’s a lot of music and weird people but that’s about the extent of my knowledge. HELP!

 Love, E****

Dear Stephanie Michelle Tanner,

Finally! Someone asks me an important question. You can’t really be super prepared to exist on a farm in the middle of nowhere Tennessee for a long weekend but I can offer a few pointers – pay close attention.

Carry about 27 bottles of hand sanitizer.

Don’t camp. There are plenty of hotels and adorable cabins in Sewanee that offer hot showers and ice machines.

Talk to (most) strangers.

 Take a hat. The bigger the hat the closer to God. It will be HOT and you’re going to need more than those Warby Parkers.

 Pants are optional.

Don’t be alarmed when you see young people hula-hooping as they walk to a show, in the middle of a show, after a show. It’s a lot of people’s “thing.”

 Don’t freak out when you run into your ex-boyfriend, his ex-girlfriend and that guy you stopped texting back once  you noticed his velcro wallet.

Dress chic but be prepared to throw away your entire Bonnaroo wardrobe.

Smile as you bob and weave to the front of the stage.

 See Tom Petty.

Wear pearls.

H2O.

Come find me!

XOXO,

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Slow Clap for My Boyfriend.

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Jack White to the rescue.

My blunderbuss lover has been outed as the anonymous donor who paid the $142,000 in taxes needed by Detroit’s Masonic Temple to pump the brakes on their inevitable foreclosure.

I have mad respect for Jack for far too many reasons, but this might just top the list.

A Detroit native, Jack and the Temple go way back – SEVEN White Stripes shows (where you at, MEG?) + two solo performances – and equally as adorable, he spent a lot of time there as a kid when his mom worked as an usher. Some (being me) would argue he’s the best thing to come out of Detroit, well, ever.

The 1,586-seat theater has been renamed simply the Jack White Theater and now we all know why. I’ve never been to Detroit but when I get there I will be touring this place, that’s for sure.

A little Nashville in Detroit might be exactly what Detroit needs, don’t you think?

XOXO,

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How To Freak Out Your Ex Without Really Trying

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Relationships are great until they’re not. You know, you find that imperfectly perfect man that has you saying things like “you complete me” and planning weekends away eating brunch and combining your Facebook accounts (I would never, btw). You embark on a roller coaster of a romance that starts innocently enough but more closely resembles a Lifetime movie by the end. He doesn’t say enough – you say too much and yes, it took a whole lot of online shopping and caffeine-induced soul searching to start the dreaded process of moving on.

Now I am a firm believer that when a boyfriend becomes an ex he should disappear from the face of the earth, or at least not be allowed to be seen or heard until you’re happily married with 2.5 kids, but sadly the big Guy hasn’t answered that prayer for me yet. The reality is that you will still coexist in some capacity and let’s be real, you need to have a game plan and it needs to be legit. There are ways to completely rock your ex-boyfriend’s world and help you stay fabulous while moving on to (hopefully) bigger and better suitors.

Be Successful. 

This includes excelling at your current job, getting a new gig, googling “lean in” or asking your boss for that promotion you’ve been eying. While I’m sure your ex gave you the “I will always support you” speech, there’s nothing like kicking your career into high gear after he bids you deuces.

Get More Gorgeous.

Sleep in. Work out. Drink the prescribed 25 glasses of water per day and watch your skin glow as you apply layers on layers of bronzer. Eat a lot of kale and other good for you stuff while allowing yourself plenty of fro-yo and dark chocolate (it’s good for you, right?). Not to be all “I look so much better without you” but you will. It’s amazing how healthy and “glowy” you can look and feel when you finally let go of a toxic relationship.

Give Him Crickets.

Perhaps the most powerful and hard to master way to really baffle your ex is doing and saying absolutely nothing to him. Females by design are irrationally emotional and cannot function without a big, strong man guiding our way – RIGHT? – so yes, your ex is expecting you to call him crying/screaming/reminiscing at any time. Channel Beyonce when you start to feel like Taylor Swift and remember, silence speaks a hell of a lot louder than words.

Be Seen Out.

Spend some time holed up in your bed watching Scandal and wishing you were having a hot affair with the president of the free world (while looking like Kerry Washington) and then pick yourself up, call your girlfriends, and get back to business. Don’t worry about running into him or any member of his wolf pack – it will startle him just as much (or more) to see you in real life. Let him see you having fun with people who love you and he’ll feel more than just a twinge of regret.

Start Seeing Someone New.

…when you’re ready. Rebounds may be entertaining distractions but they aren’t worth the energy and texting time, however when you meet an attractive guy who finds you fascinating don’t be shy. Enjoy getting to know someone new over good food and late night movie dates. The dope who let you go will be more than curious when he sees you’re with someone new but you won’t notice. You’ll be too busy being happy with your ex right where he should be – in the past.

XOXO,

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